Title: Fisher’s Light

Author: Tara Sivec

Series: N/A

Genre: Contemporary Romance

Published: March 24th 2015

Rating: 4/5 stars ★★★★

“Loving you meant loving every part of you, the good and the bad, the easy and the hard.”

SYNOPSIS:

Fisher,
I guess this is it, huh? After fourteen years together, starting a life of our own on this island, five deployments and countless letters I’ve written you through it all, I finally go out to the mailbox and see something I’ve always dreamed of: an envelope with your handwriting on it. For one moment, I actually thought you’d changed your mind, that all the awful things you said to me were just your way of coping after everything you’d been through. I was still here, Fisher. I was still here, holding my breath, waiting for you to come back even though you told me you never would. You always said you’d find your way back to me. Out of all the lies you’ve told me, this one hurts the most.

Enclosed you will find the signed divorce papers, as requested.
I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’m sorry it wasn’t me.
Lucy

To get the ending they want, Lucy and Fisher will have to go back to the beginning. Through the good and the bad, they’ll be reminded of why they always made their way back to each other, and why this time, one way or another, it will be the last time.

MY REVIEW:

4 of 5 stars to Fisher’s Light by Tara Sivec

★★★★

I have put off writing a review for this one mainly because I have so much thoughts about it that I needed to organize them first. However, I don’t think I succeeded because my mind is still a jumble of thoughts. Before I start dissecting this book, I have to tell you that I’m not a fan of angst. There are very few instances, however, that compel me to read one and this book’s blurb is one. It was so hauntingly captivating that you would want to know what happened to Lucy and Fisher.

Fisher,
I guess this is it, huh? After fourteen years together, starting a life of our own on this island, five deployments and countless letters I’ve written you through it all, I finally go out to the mailbox and see something I’ve always dreamed of: an envelope with your handwriting on it. For one moment, I actually thought you’d changed your mind, that all the awful things you said to me were just your way of coping after everything you’d been through. I was still here, Fisher. I was still here, holding my breath, waiting for you to come back even though you told me you never would. You always said you’d find your way back to me. Out of all the lies you’ve told me, this one hurts the most.

Enclosed you will find the signed divorce papers, as requested.
I hope you find what you’re looking for. I’m sorry it wasn’t me.
Lucy

Fisher’s Light felt like a good old television soap opera. It’s so typical that you know how the story will go but you watch anyway because it’s so emotionally appealing and relatable. In general, this story is engaging. It’s imperative you know what happens to the two of them especially as you discover what their thoughts and feelings are.

Even before I knew of Lucy and Fisher’s story, I was already invested in Lucy’s because I sympathize with the heartbreak she went through. As the story went on, my admiration for her just grew. I learned why she held on to Fisher for very long. She was a devoted wife and partner through and through.

“Too many people wanted our relationship to fail. Too many people tried to tell us that high school romances never work, especially when one of those people is a Marine who spends more time deployed than he does at home. I don’t want them to be right. I don’t want them to talk about me behind my back, satisfied that their predictions came true and that they were right along.”

Lucy was strong and resilient for all the years she and Fisher were together and the years they spent apart. Fisher was a complicated case with scars and wounds he refuses to let go and share with anyone but I understood him. These two are perfect for each other. They may have lost their way for a while but they found each other again.

However, I found some unlikeable qualities to Lucy as well. I hate how one year after their divorce, she couldn’t even pretend she hates Fisher. She was always so putty in hands and I felt Fisher deserve to suffer even just for a while after putting Lucy through so much. Thankfully, Lucy grew some courage eventually (although it was too late in the book).

As I have mentioned above, I was supposed to organize my thoughts on this one for a seamless review but I failed so I’m just going to attach some snippets from the book which I have strong feelings for and hopefully, it would convey how I felt about the book in general.

***

“He loves me, we’re building a life together and nothing else should matter. We’re strong and we can make it through anything. We will make it through anything because Fisher has always promised me that he will find his way back to me. I believe him with every piece of my heart and I will support whatever decisions he makes because I have faith in him and in us. This is just a tiny bump in the long road of our lives together. We’ll get over it and everything will be fine, I know it.”

It staggers me to know how much faith a person can put into the power of love. I think that requires so much trust and confidence and Lucy is so brave to give all of her in this fragile love.

*

“After almost fourteen years together, starting a life of our own on this island, five tours of duty and countless letters I’ve written you through it all, I finally go out to the mailbox and see something I’ve always dreamed of: an envelope with your handwriting on it. “

Okay. Lucy’s (unsent) goodbye letter to Fisher is the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever read. This part was especially saddening.. the feeling of anticipation when you finally get that one thing you’ve been wishing for, only for it to come with something else you never wanted. The feeling is such a painfully beautiful contrast, it left a mark on me.

*

“I would do anything for him, even if it meant sacrificing something of myself. I let him go not once, but five times when he had a duty to perform for this country, even though I wanted nothing more than to beg him not to leave. I supported his decision and praised his honor for being so selfless. I wrote to him every day and made sure he never had to worry about the island or the people he loved and promised him we would always be waiting here for him when he came home to us.”

Lucy’s selfless love for Fisher is astounding but also unhealthy. She gave too much and left nothing for her in return. It’s sad but at the same time, touching. It’s impossible not to root for this girl’s happiness. She deserves it and so much more.

*

“Those divorce papers were the end of everything. Every dream, every hope and every idea I’d ever had about love.”

There’s something profoundly melancholic about a hopeless romantic giving up on love completely. Oh, Lucy. You were brave but it’s time to let go.

*

““You’re still his wife where it counts – in his heart and soul. I can see it when he says your name and I’m wondering when you’re going to see it, too,” she muses.”

I think it’s unfair how since the beginning of the story, everyone has been forcing Lucy to take back Fisher when she’s obviously not ready yet and has yet to heal her wounds. Yes, Fisher went through a lot, he had noble intentions when he broke up with Lucy but he hurt her deeply in the process. It wasn’t even a one time-big time kind of betrayal but a long process that spanned years. Of course, Lucy is going to be cynical. She went through a lot as well and maybe, just as much as Fisher because his burden was also hers. People should give her a break and Fisher needs to grovel more.

*

“What was the point of coming back here, making me relive all of those fucking memories if you weren’t going to really put up a fight? Do you even want me or do you just hate it that someone else does? You don’t want anyone else fishing in your damn pond, but you seem to forget that YOU tossed me back in that fucking water! You always said you’d find your way back to me and you FUCKING LIED!”

Finally, Lucy grew some guts and told Fisher off. This is probably the most satisfying part of the story.

*

“The mind is a great and powerful thing, bisected with hallways of darkness and corners of light. Memories can alternately fill your life with joy and happiness and cloud every moment with nightmares and fear, making you second-guess all of the good things and wonder if they were ever real. “

*

“After I tore open the envelope that day and found the legal papers inside, I penned this note through the tears, wanting to hurt Fisher as much as he hurt me. In the end, I didn’t enclose my note when I sent the signed divorce papers back.”

I love how Lucy is so real, that she isn’t the all too perfect heroine. She was hurting and like every one of us, she wanted to retaliate. Yes, she backed out at the final moment but it proves she has her dark moments too.

*

“I naively thought all of that was enough. I never expected more and more of him to be chipped away each time he left me, but after he came home the last time, there was nothing left of the man I’d loved since I was sixteen years old. “

Do you ask yourself if it’s possible to love someone from when you were a teenager to now that you’re an adult? I know this is fiction but Lucy’s disillusionment resounded to me a lot because she loved so pure and now she hurt so deep.

*

“Just when I think I’ve gotten over the hurtful words he threw at me the last time I saw him, another statement comes in the mail and I have to live through that day all over again, realizing I wasn’t good enough, wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t…enough”

This is why I felt Fisher needed to grovel the fck out of Lucy because he hurt not only her feelings but her person as a whole. She started questioning her worth and took a long time to believe in herself again.

*

“I don’t know why he’s coming back and I don’t care. I have my own life now that has nothing to do with Jefferson Fisher, just like he wanted.”

This is such an empowering statement and how I wish Lucy really acted this way but as I mentioned above, after a year of not seeing him, she still can’t simply just ignore his presence when he came back.

*

“I look at my husband across the dinner table and I feel like I’m looking at a stranger. This is my husband, my love, my Fisher. He’s the man who leaves me every once in a while, but always, always comes home to me. He loves me, he takes care of me and he does everything in his power to make me smile.

Except lately.”

This line made me realize how hard it is to love someone who constantly leaves, especially a soldier. The wait is excruciating and it’s always a wonder if your love is going to come back the same or not at all. Imagine Lucy endured this for fourteen years. And again, this line proves how faithful Lucy is to their love even if she’s alone in it.

*

“Every time I get the nerve to tell him that I’m happy he’ll never leave again, I stop myself at the last minute. Being a Marine was his life, this war was something he believed in and protecting this country was what he’d wanted to do from the first time I met him. I can’t be happy about him losing something that is such a huge part of him. I just want him to talk to me, to let me take away some of his demons, but I don’t know how anymore. I don’t know how because he won’t let me in. Every time he moves into the spare bedroom and slams the door, I feel like he’s slamming a door to his heart and I no longer have a key that opens it anymore.”

Lucy’s patience and understanding is as deep as her love. Fisher is so damn lucky to have her. This part may sound overly dramatic, but it’s not out of place in this particular story.

*

“I tune him out, staring at Lucy across the room and wishing I could hate her. She moved on. She wasn’t supposed to move on. She was supposed to love ME forever, be with ME forever.”

This is the part where I curse Fisher in my mind. Yes, I know he suffered a lot, but that doesn’t excuse this chauvinistic act.

*

“I broke her and I hurt her in the worst imaginable way and then I walked out. I never deserved her and she should have always known that, always felt that, always believed that. I just want her to be happy. I want her to smile easily and laugh often. I see her doing it with that fuckwad across the bar, but I don’t care. I know it’s selfish and I know it’s weak, but I don’t fucking care. If I were a better man I would walk away, leave this island and never look back. I would let her have this happiness that she deserves even if it killed everything inside of me.

Too bad I’m not a better man. It should be me. It was always me and it’s still going to be me, dammit. With Bobby calling my name and telling me not to do anything stupid, I clutch my drink in my hand to keep me from throwing any punches and make my way across the room to MY Lucy.”

Okay, I agree Fisher is a selfish douche but this line was sweet even though disguised in an aggressive approach. He better start with the groveling.

*

“If I’m small enough, maybe I won’t want to die from the enormity of the pain.
If I’m small enough, maybe I won’t feel like such a failure.”

*

“This is what falling in love is supposed to feel like. It should be easy to be with someone, as natural as breathing, and it should leave you content, exactly the way I feel with Stanford. “

I don’t blame Lucy for wanting a different kind of love. She had the whirlwind romance with Fisher and it failed so this time, she’s choosing safe.

*

“I don’t deserve her. I don’t deserve to have her sitting here waiting for me, day after day, month after month. I don’t deserve to come home to someone like her who loves me so completely, even when my body and my mind take me away from her and make me forget how good I have it.”

This is the part where Fisher starts opening up about his feelings and the readers getting know his motivations. I understood him but I still don’t like him so yes, I agree. Right now, you don’t deserve her.

*

“I love her so much and all I’m doing is hurting her. The one person in my life who never lets me down and all I keep doing is breaking her apart… I don’t deserve her forgiveness. I never deserved her to begin with, so now she’ll be free to find security and happiness without having to worry about the broken man she married who can never be fixed”

At least Fisher has moments of wisdom.

*

““Maybe what you need to do is stop worrying about what the future will bring and concentrate on the past. The only way you’ll get to the end is by starting at the beginning. Maybe Lucy just needs a reminder of how it all started.””

I guess the only way to fix their relationship was to go back to the past and discuss what went wrong and learn from it. It was difficult process but if they were truly meant for each other, their love would endure.

*

“You make everything perfect, Lucy. You’re my light and my life and all I need is your love to guide me home, no matter where I go.”

*

““You are always running away or shutting down when things get hard and I’m so fucking sick of it!” she shouts angrily. “Sending me all those damn journal pages, making me REMEMBER and making me miss what we had and then, what? When things get a little difficult, you just give up? You just walk away without a fight? A-fucking-gain?”
“Lu—”
“SHUT UP!” she interrupts. “Just shut up and let me finish!””
YES, LUCY! Give him all that! (I told you it took so long for her to tell Fisher off.)

““You’re not doing anything wrong, you’re doing everything RIGHT, that’s the fucking problem!” I shout.
He throws his hands up in the air in annoyance and shakes his head at me. “I have no fucking idea what you’re talking about right now. If I’m doing everything right, why are you so angry?””
This one is really amusing, both of them are nuts.. but really in love with each other.

*

“I watch it happen right in front of my eyes, just like every time. He realizes he just raised his voice, he just lost a little bit of his calm and he instantly feels bad. His face loses its tightness and his shoulders lose their rigid stature as he slowly melts into the cool, peaceful man that he thinks he needs to be for me.”

Sometimes for the love to work, you have to love the person you’re husband has changed into. People aren’t always going be the same. Fisher changed, Lucy changed. They have to realize and accept it.

*

““I’m doing this because I’m sick and tired of you hiding this from me! I can’t handle you thinking that I can’t take your anger or I can’t stomach you losing control with me!”
He shakes his head back and forth in denial. “Stop, please, Lucy. I can’t do that with you. I can’t hurt you like that. Why do you think I stayed away for a year? Why do you think I pushed you away to begin with? I can’t be that person anymore.”

I untangle myself from his arms and push him away roughly.

“Don’t you get it, Fisher? You ARE that person. I know you aren’t cruel, I know you would never physically hurt me, but I also know that this Zen bullshit where you refuse to let anyone ruffle your damn feathers is not you. You’re passionate and full of life and you’re hotheaded and get angry and jealous. It’s who you are and who you’ve always been. How do you expect me to be with you when I can’t be with ALL of you? Did it ever occur to you that I WANT your passion? That I’ve been pushing your buttons lately because I want you to let go?””

Lucy’s speech is really something. This finally penetrated the wall Fisher has built around himself. They were walking on eggshells after getting back together and addressing the elephant in the room is the way to break and overcome it.

*

“To get to the good, sometimes you have to live through the bad.” Lesson of the day.


***cover art: 3/5 stars. Simple but pretty enough.***